The bravery of making it through.

You don't have to shout your trauma from the rooftops.

I used a Xanga site in middle school to share every waking thought. One of my not-so-proud moments? Making a (public!) list of every boy I had a crush on in the seventh grade.

I still share my life online, although I’m wiser about what should stay private. My most vulnerable moment was writing about postpartum psychosis publicly. The replies were overwhelmingly positive, and many people thanked me for my bravery.

I’m conflicted when I get this compliment. It sometimes takes guts to bare my soul on the Internet, but I don’t think I’m inherently braver than someone who survived postpartum psychosis and didn’t tell a soul. The courageous thing is going through hell and making it to the other side.

Oversharing Online

In 2015, I wrote an article about my depression and anxiety diagnoses. The responses I got from strangers and friends convinced me that it was a topic I needed to keep talking about. Since then, I haven’t looked back. 

That isn’t to say that I’ve always gotten it right. When I look back at my early 20s, I cringe at some of the things I wrote and shared. More than once, I used Instagram or my blog to process things that should’ve been addressed in therapy first. I didn’t want to make the same mistake when discussing postpartum psychosis, so I waited until I could discuss the experience without feeling like I might break down. It took nearly three years.

While most of the comments I get are positive, there are outliers. Someone asked if I supported mothers killing their children in response to the psychosis piece. Another person said that I shouldn’t have tried to get pregnant in the first place after I shared an article about the financial toll of miscarriage. When someone shares their trauma, they are subjecting themselves to possible cruelty.

Privacy Isn’t Cowardly

I have friends and family members who have survived unthinkable things, and no one will ever know other than their closest loved ones and therapists. A friend once told me she wished she was brave enough to share her story to help people.

I’ll tell you what I told her. Privacy isn’t cowardly, and holding your journey close to yourself is often the best decision you can make for yourself. Sure, it’s great to feel like you’re making a difference, but at what cost? When you Google my name, you’ll learn about some of the worst moments of my life. It can be overwhelming to think about how much strangers know about me, even though I’m glad I share. If you feel apprehensive about opening up to a large audience, it’s likely a sign that it isn’t time to share. And that’s okay! After all, the brave thing is making it through.