Trying something new

Alternatively titled, "Reasons you shouldn't pay for this newsletter."

I planned to write this post in a year or two — maybe longer.

If I eventually hit 5,000 subscribers, I’d enable paid subscriptions, which would feel incredible. A way to acknowledge the huge milestone. But here I am, a long way from there, telling you I’ve switched on the button.

Social media is probably breaking our brains, but this has been especially true for me. At the height of my Instagram influencer area, I would archive photos that didn’t get a certain number of likes in the first hour after posting. Sometimes, I’d throw my phone across the room when I couldn’t stop obsessing over the comments, hoping my screen protector was shatterproof. I know! I’ve spent my life obsessing over how I’m perceived, and not receiving the validation I crave is hard. I’m not entirely over it, but it’s easier now. (Predictably, spending less time online has helped.)

When I started to think about creating a paid Substack tier, my first thought was predictable. What if no one signs up? I sat with this fear, wondering whether it’d make sense to wait until I felt I had a more steady audience. In a surprise to no one, I started to run through all the reasons it was probably a terrible idea. What if I burn out or lose consistency? Is it presumptuous of me to offer the option in the first place? Plenty of other writers surely deserve it more. What makes me special? If you’ve spent any time reading this Substack, you know this is how my brain operates, and it’s exhausting, and I’m trying to be better. But I couldn’t break the loop.

It’s funny — I answer confidently with my rate when I take on a writing assignment. And I’ll email an editor an invoice without any angst (I’m sure fellow writers can attest that it often takes more than one email to get paid). But I’ve been sitting on this draft for weeks, hoping I’m not making a huge mistake. It’s a vulnerable thing, asking people to pay for your writing. But, as I’ve reminded myself, I’m not forcing it on anyone. I, the queen of overthinking, am trying to be chill about this. We’ll see!

Enough of me subjecting you to my anxious ramblings. A paid subscription ($5/mo or $45/year) gets you a more in-depth essay once a month, along with the occasional roundup post sharing what I’m up to and things I’m learning. Much of my content will remain free — this is just a way to support my work if you’re inclined. It also gets you my gratitude. Truly, it means the world to me. Writing is the most challenging, beautiful work I’ve ever done, and I’m honored to share it with you. And if you remain a free subscriber, I appreciate you letting me take up valuable inbox space every week. I don’t take it lightly, so thank you. Regardless of how you choose to show up on my corner of the Internet, I’m grateful you do.

Ayana

P.S. See you next week with another installment of Free Time Diaries!