I minimize what happen to me when I was sexually assaulted, when I needed a mental health break from ministry and my now ex-husband allowed our entire marriage implode rather than prioritize me, and with the day to day things that happen to me. I’m the best gaslighter and spiritual bypassed to myself. I’ve been (ironically) beating myself up for this all week long, because I see the way this holds me back. Your vulnerability here is exactly the “me too” I needed to feel less alone in it. And that’s powerful. Thank you.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve been following you since your pre-parent days and I know she was your first baby. That’s a tragic loss, full stop.
I’m so sorry to hear about Luna. I deleted my Instagram after the election, so it’s nice to see you check in here occasionally and see what’s going on, even if it’s this awful news.
I think you hit the nail on the head: you wouldn’t judge someone else for experiencing grief in however they experience it, so there’s absolutely no reason to judge yourself. Grief is grief and it’s HARD.
I think it’s also natural for some people to try to minimize their own difficult experiences in light of other suffering. I do it constantly about everything. It takes someone else pointing out that, yes, actually, something was hard and awful and it’s ok to acknowledge that as a reality to snap me back and allow myself to say “yes, I can be angry/sad/scared even if what I experienced isn’t as bad as [real or hypothetical].” My sort of personal rule is just that my own perception of my hard experiences should never be used to one-up someone else’s, which actually helps because then what’s expressed is hopefully perceived (and intended) to be more pure empathy.
Ayana, I have never been able to recover well or quickly from grief and I get so frustrated with myself. I still don’t understand why I don’t heal as efficiently as others, but this makes me want to be a little more accepting of my own big feelings.
Thank you for sharing. The first time I lost a pet (ten years - still sad! You’re valid.), I somehow thought to google “how to talk to children about pet loss” because I needed gentler advice than the internet was giving me, ha. The article I read suggested remembering and honoring your pet by living out positive traits/lessons you learned from them. It helped me feel like I still had her with me while honoring her memory.
Your wisdom & vulnerability here is a part of Luna’s legacy, too. She’ll always be with you!
Please feel all the feelings you need to feel. Grief looks different for everyone and you should never have to make yourself small or undermine what you are feeling. I know this is said a lot but your grief is valid. My heart hurts for you and your family. We have a 10.5-year-old dog and I know it will be the hardest day of my life to explain his passing to my son when that time comes. Take all the time you need to grieve in the way you need to do so. <3
I'm so sorry about Luna. After my beloved dog Henry died, I had the opposite thought: Am I not grieving him enough? Shouldn't I be more devastated? It's incredible how we manage to beat ourselves up and find fault no matter where we land. It's so hard to tell ourselves that we're good enough, just as we are.
All this to say: You're (more than) good enough and I'm glad you're sharing your writing and thoughts here. Sending you lots of love and grace as you grieve. xo
Ugh, totally agree that we find ways to be hard on ourselves! It's such a difficult balance. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Henry and am honored that you read this piece — you're forever one of my favorite writers.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my cats in the last year within 6 months. I had them for 18 years. I STILL feel devastated and miss them.
I also lost a wanted pregnancy in 2019 and I felt so seen reading your words. I processed by sharing my story bc it felt so important. And I couldn’t let it live inside me.
I started reading this post when you posted it, and when I got a few paragraphs in I had to stop. It took me a long time to come back because the topic is so close to how I’ve felt these last few years and have also beat myself up for how I’ve processed. Thank you for putting words to this. Sending love 💜💜
I minimize what happen to me when I was sexually assaulted, when I needed a mental health break from ministry and my now ex-husband allowed our entire marriage implode rather than prioritize me, and with the day to day things that happen to me. I’m the best gaslighter and spiritual bypassed to myself. I’ve been (ironically) beating myself up for this all week long, because I see the way this holds me back. Your vulnerability here is exactly the “me too” I needed to feel less alone in it. And that’s powerful. Thank you.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve been following you since your pre-parent days and I know she was your first baby. That’s a tragic loss, full stop.
Sarah, I'm so sorry that you've experienced such pain — thank you for taking the time to comment and share your experience. I appreciate it.
I’m so sorry to hear about Luna. I deleted my Instagram after the election, so it’s nice to see you check in here occasionally and see what’s going on, even if it’s this awful news.
I think you hit the nail on the head: you wouldn’t judge someone else for experiencing grief in however they experience it, so there’s absolutely no reason to judge yourself. Grief is grief and it’s HARD.
I think it’s also natural for some people to try to minimize their own difficult experiences in light of other suffering. I do it constantly about everything. It takes someone else pointing out that, yes, actually, something was hard and awful and it’s ok to acknowledge that as a reality to snap me back and allow myself to say “yes, I can be angry/sad/scared even if what I experienced isn’t as bad as [real or hypothetical].” My sort of personal rule is just that my own perception of my hard experiences should never be used to one-up someone else’s, which actually helps because then what’s expressed is hopefully perceived (and intended) to be more pure empathy.
Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Beautifully said. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond (and good on you for deleting IG—I'm jealous!)
Grief doesn’t know reason. And she doesn’t need to. Love and sympathy to you 💕
❤️ thank you
Ayana, I have never been able to recover well or quickly from grief and I get so frustrated with myself. I still don’t understand why I don’t heal as efficiently as others, but this makes me want to be a little more accepting of my own big feelings.
Thank you for sharing. The first time I lost a pet (ten years - still sad! You’re valid.), I somehow thought to google “how to talk to children about pet loss” because I needed gentler advice than the internet was giving me, ha. The article I read suggested remembering and honoring your pet by living out positive traits/lessons you learned from them. It helped me feel like I still had her with me while honoring her memory.
Your wisdom & vulnerability here is a part of Luna’s legacy, too. She’ll always be with you!
I love you recognizing that you needed gentler advice — tbh, I should probably do the same. I'm so sorry for your loss and appreciate your kindness
Please feel all the feelings you need to feel. Grief looks different for everyone and you should never have to make yourself small or undermine what you are feeling. I know this is said a lot but your grief is valid. My heart hurts for you and your family. We have a 10.5-year-old dog and I know it will be the hardest day of my life to explain his passing to my son when that time comes. Take all the time you need to grieve in the way you need to do so. <3
Thank you so much. It's so hard to know we'll one day have to say goodbye to our dogs, but so worth it to love them.
I'm so sorry about Luna. After my beloved dog Henry died, I had the opposite thought: Am I not grieving him enough? Shouldn't I be more devastated? It's incredible how we manage to beat ourselves up and find fault no matter where we land. It's so hard to tell ourselves that we're good enough, just as we are.
All this to say: You're (more than) good enough and I'm glad you're sharing your writing and thoughts here. Sending you lots of love and grace as you grieve. xo
Ugh, totally agree that we find ways to be hard on ourselves! It's such a difficult balance. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Henry and am honored that you read this piece — you're forever one of my favorite writers.
❤️
This is gorgeous and so relatable. I'm so sorry for your losses.💛
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my cats in the last year within 6 months. I had them for 18 years. I STILL feel devastated and miss them.
I also lost a wanted pregnancy in 2019 and I felt so seen reading your words. I processed by sharing my story bc it felt so important. And I couldn’t let it live inside me.
I started reading this post when you posted it, and when I got a few paragraphs in I had to stop. It took me a long time to come back because the topic is so close to how I’ve felt these last few years and have also beat myself up for how I’ve processed. Thank you for putting words to this. Sending love 💜💜